Jokes

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

A sexy blonde goes to Las Vegas. She goes in a casino and is looking for a slot machine. She see the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in and a Pepsi come out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi come out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi come out.

A man sees her, and he says:

"What are you doing?"

And the sexy blonde answers:

"Wow!! I'm winning!!!"

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

President Clinton frowned.

"Russian roulette is a dangerous game!"

The African leader smiled.

"That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off their garb.

"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.

As you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him.

"How is this related to Russian roulette?"

A guy finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. The guy again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and he still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the guy is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says:

"You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell"".

Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says :

"I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!"

Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says :

"Hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?"

The devil says:

"That was just a demo version."

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players,

"I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said,

"He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."